The Illusion of “I love you”

The words “I love you” are often the defining part of a relationship. In movies they are spoken at the climax. The couple will kiss and they will live happily ever after. Love is supposed to mean that you will cherish each other no matter the mistakes or the circumstances, so the words, “I love you,” are seen as the ultimate medicine for any relationship. A couple is arguing. “I love you.” The argument fizzles out. All too often, however, these words are simply a pretty bandage to cover the wound festering beneath it.

In Phillip Roth’s Goodbye, Columbus Neil and Brenda begin to date each other, and their attraction to each other is clear. Their relationship is going fairly well when Brenda asks the big question: “Do you love me, Neil?” It is an uncomfortable moment as Neil tries to evade answering , and they have a small argument. Afterwards she states to Neil that “when you love me there will be nothing to worry about.” As part of a game, Brenda disappears for awhile, and Neil fears that she will never come back, and when she does he clings to her and finally says “I love you.”

When Neil says these word I truly believe he means them, but they hide the problems in this situation. And while I do not think she meant it to be, there is something very manipulative about how Brenda gets Neil admit his love for her.

Then there is the whole situation with the diaphragm. Neil basically demands that she get one even when it is clear she abhors the idea, and he goes all the way to calling her a “selfish egotistical bitch” when she refuses. Here is the thing he deceives himself into thinking that he is doing this because he loves her, because he is not confident enough to ask her to marry her, but is it really love that this demand comes from? In reality it is his own selfishness and fear of losing Brenda that drives this demand. He rescinds his request eventually, albeit very passive aggressively, but to please the man she loves Brenda has gets the diaphragm anyway.

This summer fling ends not because of a long-distance relationship, not because of Brenda’s parents discovering that they had been sleeping together, but because they both realize they do not love each other anymore. The illusion of their love had been stripped away revealing all the faults in their relationship. Those faults had always been there. Neil had always been insecure, manipulative, and selfish. Brenda had always been spoiled, guileful, and competitive.

If the words, “I love you,” had never been spoken, if they had not clung to the false hope that their relationship would work because of the magic of “I love you,” their relationship would had ended long before it had.